"She Lives"

A BEAUTIFUL MIND

Since the beginning of January, I’ve been committed to a kind of “Spiritual Boot Camp” if you will.  I realized that I was really off center and that I had somehow allowed the illusions of powerlessness and fear of lack and limitation to run my life.  I was basing my security on people and conditions.  Of course, people and conditions are temporal, they change up on you all the time.  Companies that had contracted me for the beginning of the year were canceling on me left and right because of the “appearance” of the slow economy, the nest egg I had put aside was diminishing by the day; and every booking call I made, it seemed that the answer was “no, we don’t have the budget right now”.  Needless to say, I forgot all about God, and I was FREAKING OUT, and then I was FREAKED OUT about being FREAKED OUT.  I’m not supposed to freak out.  I trust God, right? Well, this was a rich, wonderful opportunity to show me just how much I knew and trusted God.

One evening after a particularly bad day, when everywhere I called, no one answered, or when they did, the answer would be “no – we don’t have the budget to hire you right now Ester”, I sat in the middle of my floor and said “NO MORE”.  I will not live in fear, I will not allow the illusion of lack and limitation to run my life for one more minute.  I will not place my faith or my security in man and conditions.  I’m not going to even place my faith in my own thinking right now, because my thinking needs a tune up.  The song written by Rickie Byars-Beckwith and Rev. Michael Beckwith, “I Release” took on a whole new meaning for me, and I’ve been listening to the song for 18 years now.

I released, I completely let go of everything I thought I knew, wanted or needed.  I knew that all I needed was to reconnect on a deeper level than I’ve experienced before with God.  I refused to make one more phone call or send out one more email until I was grounded in the awareness of One Power, One Presence and One Life, and that this One Power contained within it ALL my good.  Was this hard?  From an ego perspective, Yes!!!  If I surrender totally to God, am I gonna get my stuff, am I gonna get what I want if I surrender?  Well, I certainly had nothing to lose, because doing it my way wasn’t getting me my stuff.

So, I committed to sixty day of prayer/meditation/journaling and turning away from every appearance (illusion) of struggle, lack and limitation.  Understanding that in God or Universal Presence, there is no such thing as struggle, sickness, lack or hardship, there is only GOOD!    So, everytime I’d feel fear or doubt I would consciously and resolutely turn away from it, saying to it “you’re not real.  You are an illusion trying to pull my attention away from that which is real. You’re trying to keep me stuck in an old worn out paradigm.  NO, you cannot have me.” And then I would pray until I was re-centered.

This reminds me of the movie “A Beautiful Mind”, where Russell Crowe was suffering from Schizophrenia.  He had created out of this illness his best friend from college, his best friends niece (a 7 year old little girl) and a CIA Agent that made him believe he was on a secret mission.  This illusion wreaked absolute havoc in his life.  He lost his job and almost lost his wife.  But mostly, he LOST HIS MIND to his belief in something that wasn’t real.

He had a turning point one day when at his lowest moment, he almost drowned his baby because of the illusions.  When his wife put the baby in the car and was trying to leave him, he jumped in front of the car and says to his wife “she never grows old, the little girl, she  never gets any older. She’s been seven years old for 10 years.”  It had finally clicked for him that his friends and the CIA agent were not real, but he had been basing his life on what wasn’t real all this time.  How many times do we do that?  Base our lives on fears, doubts and uncertainties?  Think about it.

He made a decision to not take anymore medication, and he would heal himself by acknowledging the illusions when they arose, but not give them any power, ever again.  One of the last times the illusions showed up, he bent down to kiss the little girl on the cheek, and he said to her “I will miss you, but I will never speak to you again”.  The more he ignored the illusions when they appeared and kept his attention on what was real, the illusions started to leave him alone, he not only started living a normal life, he started to thrive.

I now have that opportunity, you now have that opportunity to turn away from the illusions of fear, doubt and uncertainty.  They are not our friends and they mean us no good.  We can acknowledge them when they crop up, but refuse to hang out with them anymore and regain our center in what is real.

When we do this, and the illusions start to fade away, we can truly say, wow, Life really is good.  I don’t have an erratic, crazy mind running the show anymore.  I have a Beautiful Mind, the mind of God that governs my life perfectly, prosperously, joyously and harmoniously.  It’s true.  I’m living proof, because right now I’m thriving.

Peace and blessings,

Ester